The start of this semester and all was by far the best thing that has ever happened to me, it was my first year in my degree and i thought that i could have been the happiest person ever since i have made it so far... i have a good result for my last semester and i m really looking forward for this coming semester. Although i have a smaller amount of friends since they have went into separate courses, it made me feel like i was left all alone to handle this semester on my own. it wasn't the case; i had my friends such as wilson who was the closest since i followed him to school everyday and still do today! we talk a lot and had grown fond of each other..but i never dig his staffs. we are practically like east and west.
i have many friends that i would want to have around me all the time, they are the ones that i had when i was first in school and after that year these people just disappear into the mist of school. i rarely see them and if i do i probably would be too busy with my own things to do. i do miss the old days where we were a gang and we had a huge table for us to sit down and talk on things that we had gone throughout the day. this scene simply just vanish from our daily lives in school, no one was free for all this and whats worst we barely keep in-touch... it just seem like no-one would want to participate anymore in the circle of friends that we once had! or
perhaps i was the one they didn't one to contact or probably hated. the feeling of being hated sometimes compels me to feel like i was an outcast! and perhaps a person to be ward off by the gang.
what had i done wrong?
"had i made the good bad?"
-"did i make myself too full that the others feel its just too much to even bear?"
its a common thing to hav the people to hate and to like,
and yes i do have people that i dislike in many ways imaginable to the mind, i m mean as my girlfriend would put it and "shesh!" me on it! yes i do hav the hate in me but i still have the attitude to care for others as well. i do act like a bad person in life but i dont believe i m that bad, i can feel that i m intimidating and hard most of the time.... but sometimes i just wont want to be with certain people that just doesn't seem the right catch in my eye. i have a different vibe as per the bad side! i just feel that they are just not the people i should be with even though they may seem nice all the time but i m paranoid, i m crazy and freaky.
i m like this, that is why i hav the doubts on the people near me, and the longer you're near me i hav more doubts if things just aren't the same like it was used to....
the saddest thing was that ... i thought i was helping but certainly it wasn't interpreted the
way i wanted it too...
well the thing about me and ken was that we were close, at the beginning of the semester,
i do feel like we were good friends- and i do feel happy(though i do know he doesnt want a fried nor even cares) i certainly feel like i m the one doing all the talking and contacting. i just feel like i m the one reaching and thats it! nothing much comes out of it. it just feels like the friendship was only on my side and it still does today... (its a pointless friendship) i personally want to be friends with this prick wasnt all about trying to be his friend but it just so happened that i was close to mel and he seem to be picking up alot of staffs from mel, like smoking and shisha... well its his right to do what he wants! i dont have a problem with it at all but i just feel like it was my fault! mel became the mel he was because of me... he saw me and wee click totally well! good pals and all. .. the next day i got a piercing....it was a huge jump for a small town boy like me... and a week later he asked me to accompany him to a nice stat or design for himself! well at that time i thought it was cool! but later on he, changed he brags and tries to top me up! he claims on the band thing, his family, his love life, and his spendings!
well it just kills me that the changed person came from me! ken smokes like no ones business and we practically know that smokers actually suffer and not have a good life even though through the early age of smoking...
normally the two of us dont have problems being friends, i talk and he listens, and the other way around! but when he disconnects entirely from me makes me feel bad... the feeling was more of questions of why and what! i wasnt aware of this and worst of all when i confronted him on this matter he said it wasn't anything to matter off and countless excuses to counter the silence. but nothing was done to mend things. things got worst! thigs were colder, and he would even refuse to be in a car with me as he would rather drive himself instead of being in the same wagon with me! not sitting next to me in class and moving away when i sits next to him and shying away isn't as bad compared to the latter. worst still he would be really mad when i brings up a hint about his girlfriend in to the picture. i do know that its his first love and all but things just makes me feel weird and the thought just felt like they were linked somehow... like it was put into his head!
the desire to makes things better was even worst! i did tell him things that i thought he would keep seemingly it was a private thing between men. i told him that i was just playing around with jean(that was last time, now its a whole different story) and when i heard it from jean that he told her that i was just playing with her feelings just to get back at him! ( he thinks that since he has got a girlfriend i was thinking of showing him that i was capable of having one too just like he n his girl!)he seem to say i was acting and convincing it to be real! the munite i heard that from jean i was entirely bleeding. i felt that i was stab! by the friend who said was a "good-friend". turns out wrong!-i suppose. yes i was playing with her feeling at that time, but not to get him back! i just dont
know how it was possible as well! i just felt that this wasnt the person i knew! i felt like it wasnt worth all the things i did to help him and all. i just felt like i was the dummest person ever...i felt like they was no point having anymore of it! whats the point of going out together if we weren't
able to be friends! and whats more someone that you have trusted.. blew everything on you!
i just feel like he just became an unsub since he fell in love... i cant blame him, i remember my first
love a well. but luckily i still have my friends with me..... i dont know what went wrong. . . was it
influence?, was it me?, was it him?
or was it her?
he doenst want to talk about it nor elaborate on things like this...
makes me feel like it was ..... ever so stupid
i was mad with the things he told so openly about me to his girlfriend and also to jean. it just seem like the point of me being there for him as a friend serves as nothing! nothing of a use...he would complain about me, what i did, what i said, and the worst things i did. .. he would tell both of them.. it just made me feel like the agreement we had ayear ago about telling the truth about ones self to the other of one gets on the others nerves... (he seem to say it was pointless)
i made it clearly that it was crucial to be honest about me! and i prefer the word from the beholder not the messenger.
the point where i knew that he wasnt talking to me instead he was talking to my girlfriend about the bad staffs on me and everything- even what his girlfriend thinks of me! (she thinks i m in love with him)=i bet that was why he got the idea stuck in his head... well i was mad mad mad mad mad
why wouldnt he open up to me? it was insane
it was stupid to put all of this down its just not him or perhaps it is he which i didnt know or he really hated me???
i was never faced with this situation ever in my life
this was the worst ever....
since he didnt want any contact with me
i gave him what he wanted
nothing ..........................
every-time i didnt see him , i felt happier by the day
and if we did meet- like i didnt cared at all...
things were really cold .....
i grew even further from him....
i didnt care anymore.....
i just feel ....it was pointless and seemingly he wanted so
..........................
i grew to love ignoring him
and hating him
since he was never in class nor in school i figured he wasnt interested in his studies anymore, since he has got everything, his girls, a job .... pleasure ..... so i suppose he must have the best times of his life .... no need for me to worry, why should i... i didnt even want to know what was going on but unfortunately i knew (my girlfriend who is in contacts with ken tells me the gee ofhis life from now and then) it still makes me really mad that he talks to my girl!
to me if he cant take me, and be brave enough to stand up to me to say my wrongs... he has wasted a lot of time being friends with me all this while..................
sometimes....
i just feel like they is this persona... a dual persona.
one is the latter and the other someone who seems sorry..............
i just didnt see it but, the cold attitude bettween us was really getting to our friends....now, people wouldn't want to put us even in the same room since the cold vibe between us engulfs the whole scene!
i was entirely fine with it seemingly he wanted it so much... he even wanted to join jean's group and withdrew from ours! since he wanted so we might as well have a new member and kicking out one member who doesnt seem to have the heart to be in our group nor to do the work, pretty much sounded like a harmless this since he hated me so. i could be in a form of a favour like releasing from the so-called "dungeons of derick". i suppose he liked it and i made it clear to all the lecturers that he wanted so as per the reasoning to the decission to remove him and replace him with another..
things were better actually..... we never see each other....
my mind seem so much calmer ever since (but its my habit of writing a blog a semester)
all i could think was he isnt my business.....
but surprise surprise....
i got an email from him.......
wanting to mend things up!
n worst of all- no word what-so-ever on the sorry side.........
oh well tooooo macho to say that or write it.
well i was mad!
still was then!
all i could think was i wanted to bite his head off like a lion would! or pull out his veins while he was still
alive and breathing..... or both!
(ya he told jean i was mad too)
even so nothing much changed................
he doesnt talk to me although he wanted to makes things better or in other words amends...he was by far the weirdest friend ever...
we went out on a movie together with jean, wilson and ken's girlfriend...
it wasnt so much so the amends thing he wanted to do... nothing happened
it was as if it was pointless.... he said i went off early coz he wanted to talk to me about us..ya right...with his girlfriend there... what a total cover up..
after that we never contact each other again...
until i sent him an email accidentaly asking him to watch hills heve eyes 2 ( we watched hill have eyes 1) n he said yeah! because we both agree that we needed to talk on this as well.....
well it was a friday, nearly 2 months of fued! i was busy submitting my work he was submitting his habitat project dues the day before.....when alls work was done, i got into his car and off we went to mid valley.
boi trust me: (the whole journey was so quite!)
only two or three staffs came out:
so your trying to patch things up with us huh?
-"i m trying, its a start!"
-----------silence-----------
tap tap
------silence----------------
tic tic tap
-----------silence-----------
tap tip
bloody hell!! the whole day was nothing much of a chat at all!
n he was smsing on his phone! should i consider that rude? i was
totally annoyed by it! bloody hell! (totally know who wass on the other side- who else)
well we got the tics and we went for lunch at this vegetarian indian restaurant... budget
lunch.. well we were so quite!
i had plenty to ask! like: what went wrong?, why? how? how could you! etc etc.... he just
sat there quite.... lost to answer ...
he just said: could we just makes things simple and start all over again?
i said sure but with commitments and i want the friendship be of the win-win
situation, where we play a part in conversations and have communications and
not me alone reaching out!
i suggested to have a once in a month outing since he has his hands full with
his girldfriend and all just to be friends, but he wanted more like twice or
more a month! i was surprise.... the movie was fine not scary at all.... rather
stupid actually, 2* for my side... n he was smsing throughout the movie!
the thing that he thought was that we accomplish a so-called making up plan between
us! before i left he asked whether i was ok or not? n are this fine between us?
well since i was the person that would say yes all the time... i did say probably
but lets just see how it goes...
after that ...................
nothing at all
yup
zit--------------------------------
not a call, email, msn, sms
like oh well my job is done and i m free............................................
i sms once .... he just stop replying after some few sms...
(he told jean he ran out of credit- a week after that)
so what is it now?
for all i can say................
i care for my friends, is the things like this that makes me feel...
i should never have been a friend at all to someone who makes the
simple seem so hard to conclude into actions........
i feel like it was a waste...
i feel it was a disgrace to my self...
i felt how degrading it was for me......
it felt like dirt
it felt like ................
as some would put it- i m so much more of a better person, i can carry on with life
without the aching problem of one who can't bare to come
to terms with me and saying whats in ones mind.
to me i didnt lose a friend- now i see: i didnt had a friend to begin with.
thats the saddest thing ever.....
enough of that ..... the sad is over.....my joy of life is even better!
the life i m having now is fulfilling as i would put it..
i apparently had a fling with jean (ken told her that i was playing with her feelings-fuck it)
yes i have affections for "blond" girls, and she just seem like one of them who pretty much made my life worth cheering for. Even-though we started up as friends, and later on the feeling just changed; she seem to be the cutes thing i'd want to keep and besides at times she looks and sound like a blond but she has the brains too.... we enjoyed each others company making us feel closer, we had alot of fun with the many things we do together.........but most of all i certainly enjoy her company......just the feeling of holding her hands makes me feel likable it makes me feel loved and understood- how could you not get hocked on this? good company doesnt come easy...
i like her and i plan to keeps our relationship going because its not as easy to find such a gem like her, i do care for her but i must admit, i don't do the things other guys do ( i m practically sick of it) i want her as my girlfriend and i see alot of good that will come in our relationship especially us as a whole... and i wouldnt want to ruin any of it... i m taking the slow way.... as she is someone i have my best interest in companionship: to be near with and to love.... to keep her joyful through the times of need as she has to me....
to me
a friend- a listener- a lover- a joy = is her..................
i have my chubbies to cheer me up at home!
(they r my goldfishes-i simply love them)
